Bertie Aherne to change calendar

national | miscellaneous | news report Monday January 13, 2003 16:46 by Albert Cosgrave

Bertie Aherne To Change Calendar In a bid to end world terrorism, and an act of solidarity with George Bush, An Taoiseach Mr. Bertie Aherne has ordered the changing of the Gregorian calendar. "Ehh.. We have to do our best to make this a peaceful world", said Mr. Aherne at a press conference on the first anniversary of the tragic attacks, "We have to make sure September the 11th never happens again".

In a bid to end world terrorism, and an act of solidarity with George Bush, An Taoiseach Mr. Bertie Aherne has ordered the changing of the Gregorian calendar.
"Ehh.. We have to do our best to make this a peaceful world", said Mr. Aherne at a press conference on the first anniversary of the tragic attacks, "We have to make sure September the 11th never happens again".
To that end, it has been decided that the 11th of September is to be removed from the calendar, and in subsequent years, the date will go directly from the 10th to the 12th. To make up for the missing day, we will celebrate "National Ground Zero Day" on the 0th of January.
This announcement sparked outrage from people whose birthdays happen to fall on the eleventh of September. These people will never have another birthday, and hence, never progress beyond their current age. The prospect of not getting older was appealing to some, but not all relished the thought.
16 year old, Edmund Dumpy, for example, complained, "I'm under 18 so I'm too young to drink, and I'm under 17, so I can't even pick up a car. With this new law, I'm never going to be allowed to drink and drive." The amount of teen-pregnancies is also expected to increase dramatically.
Mr. Aherne defended his actions, saying, "Ehh... 3,000 people died because of September the Eleventh. We have to take these measures as part of our war on terror. Will it take another three thousand people to die to convince you that these actions against Saddam Hussein are necessary?"