Gay Parenting In Ireland: The Reality

national | rights, freedoms and repression | opinion/analysis Wednesday December 14, 2005 13:05 by Geneviève Margaret Ryan Kennedy - Alternative Parents Ireland sidhbhra at gmail dot com

Outlaw Mother draws her guns...

Hell bent for leather, I sped toward this insalubrious title of Outlaw Mother, fully aware of its legal pitfalls due to lack of legislation but still unwilling to suppress my desire to become a parent...

Rightless Innocent clocks in...

Operation Mother Outlaw

While in the States there are ugly legal battles waged between divorced gay couples for custody rights and the usual tribulations of the separated, the fact that they have managed to get that far still turns heads in Europe and is the stuff of science fiction for the Irish. At present there is no legislation in Ireland either for gay couples, gay biological parents or for those who wish to become parents through adoption. We are no nearer then even to the proposed PACS (civil solidarity pact) system implemented already in France and currently in discussion in Italy. The civil unions in the UK (Civil Partnership Act) will have an agenda, similar to the PACs with a few exceptions but there will still be no joint adoption for couples.

Hell bent for leather, I sped toward this insalubrious title of Outlaw Mother, fully aware of its legal pitfalls due to lack of legislation but still unwilling to suppress my desire to become a parent... Society has come on a long way since then in terms of human worth but unfortunately now it is a question of economics. We as gay couples want equal rights because we want them in turn for our children, that they will be financially secure and will become esteemed members of society by their mere existence as human beings . The Oireachtas is still debating the issue but has recently turned down the new definition of family taking a retrograde step.

As a gay parent wishing to bring my child up in a protected family environment I have less rights for either myself, my child or partner than those of a single mother , we cannot:

Inherit automatically in the absence of a will, including joint and personally owned property
Be entitled to tax-free inheritance
Raise children together including: joint adoption, joint foster care, custody, and visitation including non-biological parents
Secure wrongful death benefits for my surviving partner and child
Take bereavement leave when my partner or child dies
Obtain divorce protection such as community property and child support
In this country, the children of gay parents have no recourse to the same law as those of married couples and any of the following could happen:
The biological father/mother may claim custody through the courts at any time irrespective of any contractual agreements between partners/donors
The child will not inherit from the non biological parent
The adopted child will go to next of kin not adopter’s partner if adopter dies
Divorce rights not applicable, therefore the child will receive no obligatory maintenance
Wills can be contested by the biological parents’ siblings and parents regarding the child’s inheritance.

Three years ago I and my partner of seven years decided to become parents. The abyss between this decision and its realisation was dizzying but nonetheless our determination superseded the magnitude of the task. I began the relentless search for a donor, retaining the importance of having another parental figure in the child’s life, having cherished the presence of my own father throughout mine. After various slip-ups and encounters with some very colourful individuals we, located about four different donors unfortunately none of whom slotted successfully into the deadlines, timeframes, or working week successfully. Albeit willing, the travelling schedules and ensuing stress were not fortuitous for any of us and often the disorientation and exhaustion of arriving in a foreign city only to go straight to a stranger’s bathroom to do things with syringes and yoghurt pots was slightly daunting. Psychologically speaking, a fecund environment wasn’t exactly created. All this time, I was waiting for the right person to acquiesce.

A good friend who knew of the trials and tribulations we were going through, bemusedly absorbed these things on a daily basis but was as yet ambivalent about his own desire to become a parent. One particular day, he finally made up his mind. This would be his big chance to have a child. I warned him of the travelling, odd hours and the fact that he would have to be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice in order to serve a capricious monthly fertility cycle where sometimes even ovulation strips were no guarantee of perfect timing. He was still game.

. My own parents unfortunately have not accepted what I have done and are relegated to isolation from this incredible experience. Some of my father’s questions were more than interesting: “So are you getting married?”, and a rather classic “Why didn’t you ask us first?” were the initial milestones in comprehension. Granted, I did not expect “Darling, we are SO happy for you” but the ensuing vitriol and silence was not terribly pleasant. That said, my child will have four guaranteed grandparents if not six, will be very much nurtured and educated and will have every boon that three parents could possibly offer. People have been very supportive and continue to be so and there has been no negative reaction precluding my parents.. Having a child is possibly one of life’s biggest gifts and happily most people know this.

There are couples who have children through known and unknown donors, some choose to keep the donors anonymous and others like us, have chosen to give our child a third parent. There are couples who have had children from previous heterosexual relationships and there are those who have adopted and fostered children as singles. There are also those who have used the services of surrogates to achieve a family. There are examples of all of these family types in Ireland and many of them are members of Alternative Parents Ireland a website and mailing list for the new Irish family. There is also the Family Diversity Initiative which as yet has not focussed greatly on the gay aspect but more on the rights of the single parent. This issue can only be dealt seriously with when civil unions are introduced, usurping the constitution’s definition of family, and finally establishing the United Nation’s definition as our own.

We began inseminations last November and much to our surprise in February I discovered I was pregnant. No amount of mental preparation can fully convince you of something of this nature until it actually happens. Not even as I placed the pregnancy test on the table and my partner and I ogled the two bright red lines, did it hit me. I have since given birth to a stunning little boy and I will most likely have to spend the best part of the rest of my life fighting for my family’s rights. It is a struggle in which I am willing to partake as part of my own completion as an adult and the belief that everyone can live the way they choose, deconstructing the stereotypical myths. Perhaps one day my parents will see the sense of it all and the beauty of their grandchild as will the rest of this country.

‘The family is technically defined as ‘any combination of two or more persons who are bound together by ties of mutual consent, birth and/or adoption or placement and who, together, assume responsibility for, inter alia, the care and maintenance of group members, the addition of new members through procreation or adoption, the socialization of children and the social control of members.’

Geneviéve Margaret Ryan Kennedy

www.alternativeparents.com
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