Battle Stations!

national | politics / elections | opinion/analysis Sunday July 11, 2004 13:45 by hustings. - five four three two one- And we're off!

Bertie has cancelled a birthday party gig in Monte Carlo to stay at home instead and seem humble.

As a result, Bartholomew Patrick Ahern,
former President of the European Union,
will be calling on all his FF henchmen and henchwomen to put themselves on an "election footing".

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Left,
It has begun.
If you use your heads, you can fight and win this election by January 2005.

Here's what we have to do-

*Cancel all holidays in expensive places.

I know this will dissappoint many grass roots activists who tired after a year which has seen such issues as Iraq and the War twist the meaning of honesty and besmirch our constitution are looking forward to a few months relaxing on the beaches of Carribean or Indian Ocean islands.
But sorry lads and ladettes the holidays are off!

*Try and cycle a bike or use public transport, the Left has been associated with expensive cars and high fuel consumption for too long.

*Cancel any public appearances with not so well known Irish Millionaires, the reporters might ask questions about their wealth. I know they're fun to hang out with, and you feel like a youngster again when the blood is pumping around your head, but it looks bad with the voters, and you ought think more about your heart in any case.


*PLEASE make sure your tax affairs are in some sort of order. (We're doing our best to destroy the worst evidence, and Superintendent X has released mice and assorted silverfish in the file boxes, but they need time to chew everything.

*Be seen in your local constituency!
You might like to attend local religious services, or bring your domestic animals for extended walks. Remember LOOK HUMBLE!

*Don't mention the War.

*Don't mention the price of Housing.

*Don't mention any of the basics of life like water, utilities or rubbish.

*Don't mention Mangan.

*Don't mention the North.

*Don't mention the U.S.A.

*Don't mention Cigarettes.

*Don't mention (if you can help it) anything at all. Just keep your mouths shut. Walk your effin dogs, smile at the voters, look humble.

from today's Irish Independent:-

"[by WILLIE KEALY]
The Taoiseach has summoned his entire parliamentary party to an extraordinary meeting in Clonakilty, Co Cork in six weeks.
The purpose of the crisis meeting is to put Fianna Fail on an election footing, despite the fact that the present government has up to three years of its current term to run.
On Friday night he kicked off the process with a fund-raising and think-tank meeting of top businessmen, in Castle Howard, the Wicklow home of immensely rich lawyer, Ivor Fitzpatrick."

*********

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Left-
It has begun.
If you use your heads, you can fight and win this election by January 2005.
May God be with You. For he is no longer with them.
You may-
*mention the War.
*mention cigarettes.
*mention Tax.
*mention the North.
*mention anything at all.